National Columnist

Hate Mail: Surprise! Compassion for LSU fan hard to come by among Bama faithful

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Alabama fan happens upon an unconscious LSU fan in a restaurant and does what comes natural: Unzips his pants, removes his sexual equipment and sets it on the helpless man's head.

I write a column about it, angry at the Alabama fan and anyone who would defend him.

People write emails, angry at me. Cheering for Alabama. Guessing my political party. Wondering why I have a job.

Hate Mail ... it's like shooting fish in a barrel. Stupid fish. As stupid as fish get.

From: Billy C

Your a moron. If we put every guy who messed with a passed out drunk in jail, we would have more people in jail than out of it. Screwing around with opposing fans is part of Southern culture, id rather we did this than you northern [wimps] who don't do nothing to show your passion. Your just another writer pissed that Bama and the SEC are dominating college football so you got to try and bring us down with your lame goody two shoes article. ROLL TIDE!!!!!!

Billy, from the bottom of my heart: I hope you're sterile.

From: Ben

The idea that you have a job is mind-boggling.

That's nothing. Imagine that last guy, Billy C., raising a child.

From: Brett

The story about the drunk guy and the tea-bagger -- does anyone actually care? Tea-bagging happens all the time. Yes it is tacky and distasteful, but you obviously haven't spent much time around a college dorm or frat house. I am sure there is something better that you can write about.

Well, I could write about your compassion and empathy. Bet I could fit it into one tweet.

From: Ken Huff

I bet you are a Democrat, aren't you?

What are you saying? That Republicans believe in tea-bagging a helpless stranger?

From: ygnyzcppcok

UuQs3Z a href=http: jijxbw fuxjgr.com. jijxb wfuxjgra, url= http:zsf mhnng mxcc.com.

You and me both, Spam-Bot -- speechless.

From: Nathan Hosey

I just want to applaud you for your article on Brian H. Downing and the fan reaction to his two-year sentence in prison. I know it will have no effect on curbing said behavior, but your column brings a smile to my face and gives me a little more hope for humanity.

I've always said it: I am the hope for humanity.

From: Lyric

Must be tough being a nonentity.

Especially in combination with being the hope for humanity. It's an awkward combination.

From: The RBI

If Cabrera was white and played for the Yankees, the debate would be over.

Just a guess: Your initials stand for "race-baiting idiot."

From: Larry

You should drag out this Calipari story from 2009 and toot your own horn. You hit the nail on the head. Coach Cal is KILLING it right now. Great call -- brag about it!

Nah, Larry, I'm too humble to do that. Here's that link again.

From: Andrew Smith

I usually agree with your columns, but the one on homosexuals in sports had one flaw: the part on Nebraska assistant Ron Brown was misleading. He stated that he never has and never will discriminate based on sexual orientation. While we as Christians do not condone a homosexual lifestyle, that does not give us the place to judge or condemn those who do.

Andrew, he said "homosexuality is a sin." How far out to lunch is Ron Brown if he thinks he can call that lifestyle a "sin" while believing he's not condemning those who live it?

From: Brandon

Now you say you miss the replacement refs. Thank God! Now EVERYONE knows that not only are you a horrible writer, but a dumbass at the same time! Good thing, because that hurts your credibility as just about the last anti-Paterno media person out there.

You think I'm one of the last WHAT? Huh. Maybe I am. Guess it's time to write some more about ol' Joe. Someone has to stick up for the victims, and remind everyone about the monsters who let them down. Thanks for the reminder, Brandon. My response to this next dummy was inspired by you.

From: Eric L.

I agree that Paterno should have done more ... BUT HE DIDN'T KNOW! Newsflash -- a pedophile is a professional deceiver; why can't you get THAT through your dumbass head? Paterno was a great man and knew absolutely NOTHING about Sandusky, just a bunch of hearsay evidence.

Mike McQueary was an eyewitness. He gave a first-person account to Paterno. That ain't "hearsay," Eric. Your understanding of legal terminology is right up there with your understanding of who Joe Paterno was. A "great man"? Ask Sandusky's victims how great a man Paterno was -- there's probably one victim for every victory that came after the McQueary incident.

From: Anthony Romo

How do you like that motherf-----? I bet you're HATING the fact that Penn State just came back from 11 points down to beat Northwestern, sealing a four-game win streak. Without your sorry ass spewing hate and the NCAA infringing on something they should have no part of, Penn State would be in the Top 10. You'll never bring us down, b-tch. Burn in hell forever, Doyel. WE ARE ...

... delusional.

From: David USC

You seem to be missing the point in your article on Spurrier. USC fans have had to endure years of negative articles from our local newspaper. Most are fed up with it, not just Spurrier.

You seem to be missing the point in my article, too: Spurrier is using his power as a successful coach in a small town to bully the local newspaper -- and you people are so enamored with his Kool-Aid, you think he's right.

From: J Everhart

I think you have completely ignored the fact that Ron Morris has constantly taken pot shots at both Spurrier and the university, which is also your avenue of attack. Take your yellow journalism and your opinions and place them where the sun doesn't shine.

Have another drink! The Kool-Aid runneth over in Columbia.

From: John Horton

I find it hard to believe this is really your bio, but you are correct in your assessment that I found your bio because I didn't care for your comments on Spurrier and Morris.

I do believe my bio is the greatest entry in American literature. Top 10, anyway. Alongside some slightly longer submissions by Faulkner, Hemingway and Grisham.

From: Andy Cole

This'll be the first time in about 12 years I've written a sports columnist. I'm just curious: You seem like, at least, a reasonably intelligent dude -- so why entertain idiots and their hate mail? Am I naive in assuming some people write in with well thought out disagreements to your points instead of calling you a moran, dumass, or something else they can't seem to spell? Or is constant streams of semi-intelligent vitriol just what you deal with on a daily basis?

Sure, I get dissenting emails from smart folks such as yourself, but most readers prefer notes like this next one. Why? Same reason we gawk at a car crash, I guess.

From: Dave Doyle

Real professional of you to use just a sentence from my email in the last Hate Mail (third email from end.) Put it all out there and let the readers mull it over.

Put it all out there? Dave, listen, you're no Hemingway. You're no Faulkner. And you're damn sure no Doyel. Readers don't want to read every last word you wrote, and they definitely don't want to mull it over. They're here to watch you make an ass of yourself, and to watch me point it out. Job well done -- again -- Dave. Come back next week, hear?


Gregg Doyel is a columnist for CBSSports.com. He covered the ACC for the Charlotte Observer, the Marlins for the Miami Herald, and Brooksville (Fla.) Hernando for the Tampa Tribune. He was 4-0 (3 KO's!) as an amateur boxer, and volunteers for the ALS Association. Follow Gregg Doyel on Twitter.
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